Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Humor Break

Gathered from various places. Just because I like them.

The Three Orders #1

During the course of a priests' retreat, the retreat master asked everyone to break up into groups of three. They were then to share their deepest darkest secrets, things they had never shared with anyone else ever.

The Dominican, after much hemming and hawing said that he was an alcoholic. He had been so ashamed to tell anyone before. He drank all the time and just couldn't kick the problem. He was so glad that in the sacredness of this small group he could share this and now he felt so good, so free.

The Franciscan hesitated, but finally said he thought he could trust the other two and that his problem was gambling. He had been unable to control his urge to go to bet way beyond his means. He was also very ashamed of his habit and was so grateful that he could finally share it in such a context with his fellow priests.

It was the Jesuit's turn. He told the other two that he was grateful for their openness and honesty. He said he was so ashamed of his own problem. He had been working on it for years but hadn't yet gotten a handle on it. He had tried confession and therapy, but nothing, he said, had helped him overcome his compulsion to gossip.

How Many Homeschoolers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Nine.

One person to contact HSDLA to see if there is a legal loop hole to change a lightbulb without first asking the local department of education.

One person to contact the co-op to see if there is enough interest to have a field day to watch the changing of the lightbulb.

One person to form a committee to determine whether this is a homeschooling or unschooling type activity.

One mom who helps her five kids: (1) check three books on electricity out of the library, (2) make models of light bulbs with the electric circuit kit they just ordered from Rainbow Resource, (3) perform a skit based on the life of Thomas Edison, (4) investigate the history of lighting methods by dipping their own candles, and (5) take a trip to the store where they compare types and prices of light bulbs and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.

The Three Orders, #2

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity in the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to St. Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you thought about where to send the boy to school?"

Top 10 Trad Catholic Pickup Lines (from Patrick Madrid at Envoy)

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle?
9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?
8. Sorry, but I couldn't help but noticing how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.
7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?
6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!
5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.
4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.
3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.
2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?
1. Confess here often?

The Three Orders (Less One), #3

A man walked up to a Franciscan and a Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?" The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"

Pre-Conclave Joke

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger all finish up in Purgatory on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and says, “Welcome to Heaven! But before you go in, we need to straighten out some theological matters.” He tells them that he will interview each of them in turn.

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office..." After four hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out. He is highly distraught, and is muttering "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next..." After eight hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He, too, is crying out "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry...never knew..." He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Cardinal Ratzinger, "Joseph, your turn." Three days later, St. Peter stumbles out the door, utterly exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done... How could I have been so wrong...."

And finally, the Homeschool FAQ sheet, answering such pressing questions as, Are you permitted to homeschool in most states if you don't own a denim jumper or Birkenstocks?

3 Comments:

Anonymous amy said...

Happy Birthday to the Opinionated Homeschooler! If I am not mistaken, it was one year ago today that Sharon began gracing the web with her informative, insightful, and humorous blog.

Thomas and I enjoyed the jokes, even if many of them were at the expense of the Jesuits. I won't hold it against you if you write a piece for St. Ignatius on his feast day next week.

2:48 PM  
Blogger The Opinionated Homeschooler said...

Thanks for the "birthday" wishes! A year wasted blogging, my my. Sorry not to get back in time for St. Ignatius' feast day.

8:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! » » »

3:32 PM  

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